The giving in

March 28, 2009 erinmcgrathwo

Last night I found myself on a winding Vermont road.  This is not unusual given my current “home.”  But the roads, are so strange this time of year, a path of frost heave, muddy ruts that bounce around wheels.  All Sam and I could see was what was in front of us.  Whatever the high beams of my Volkswagen illuminated.  I felt tired and frustrated. I know I need to baby myself, to take each day in stride to make sure I am not “over-doing it” the damn chemo wants to take my freedom, and it stinks because I am so tired, but I am still me. Still want to make every invite see every birthday celebrating friend, still want to be involved with all my causes.

But this chemo journey is really like our drive last night, I could not see anything around me, only the immediate illuminated in front of me.  Last night my car struggled up a mountain road, that was muddy, the wheels hit the ruts and made scraping sounds under the car.  Sam and I stopped and decided to turn around.  I could not drive anymore, could not see how to deal with what was in front of me, did not want to continue on the path of darkness, but craved the comfort and quiet of bed, the softness of  mattress and tenderness of my lover’s body holding my shrinking frame.  So there in the mud I stopped the car and got out. I walked around the back listening to the mountain melt streaming down either side of the narrow muddy path.  I buried my face in Sam’s jacket and mourned my sight. Let go of my want to push and push and settled on heading back down the mountain and to take care of my body  and let it be.

My body is the vehicle by which I fully intend to create more, accomplish the bright things I have been planning, move forward with, and stretch and grow.  But I have to let it run its course.  I am not the boss for now, I am the passenger. As I rode home silently holding Sam’s hand and leaving tears on my face I knew– it’s the letting go, the giving in. It’s not an ugly thing, not a weakness, or a newly discovered flaw, it is necessary. This is my moment in time, my spring muddy path, that will lead me in time to the place I always knew I would make it to- the top, the cure, health strength and beauty.

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One Comment Add your own

• 1. Stephani  |  March 29, 2009 at 8:28 pm

  You are a beautiful writer, and I hope it’s helping you to get it all out there. Was listening to Anais Mitchell yesterday and thinking about that fab (though dance-free) Ani show last year in Burlington. Righteous 🙂

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