When to control?

April 13, 2009 erinmcgrathwo

So I’ve had my second treatment and its been about a week. I’ve done much better this time around. They gave me some sweet nausea medicine through the I.V. that seemed to keep things at bay, I even ate a real Easter dinner with friends last night.

Things are progressing well. I feel pretty tired this time around, and go to bed between 9 and 10 every night, and try to nap during the days.  But this week there is not a whole lot of wiggle room, my law school week is pretty intense, lots of stuff due and we only have two weeks of real classes then… FINALS. I am in shock, I cannot believe how fast this year has flown by, and so much has happened.

So I’ve lost a bunch of weight, and trying to eat some of it back on– with healthy foods, but the other realization I came to this morning in the shower is I am losing my hair. I knew it would happen and have been anticipating it with great anxiety.  The funny thing is that in October I majorly cut my hair for the first time in years, I cut off a foot of hair… and I really liked the new look. I had been so wrapped up in my long tresses forever, that I let it define me- Erin the girl with the really long brown hair.  And now I am staring at all this hair in the shower drain and trying not to lose focus. I already cut my hair a bunch when I was diagnosed and then again this  past weekend to a pixie/mod cut (its pretty cute) but now I have to decide when to take the plunge. I have to admit I am a major control freak. I have been trying to get better at it, especially given the fact I do not have much control over the cancer cells or the chemo, but this hair thing is really getting at me. So my plan is to shave it, get rid of it, before it gets rid of me (isn’t this a valuable lesson we are taught as adolescent girls… gahh I survived that I should survive cancer right?)!! Also.. i am going to Ani Difranco concert this week, it would be an homage to the women whose lyrics wooed me through many a hard time, and lots of empowerment.

soo when I shave it, depends on how much I can really take of it falling out. I have a whole plan for the shaving, and even an outfit for the post-shaving coming out baldness. But really like I stated earlier I have a lot going on this week, its hard to squeeze in emotional grief and uncertainty. I am undecided. But I’ll be sure to keep you posted.


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3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Dorathy  |  April 15, 2009 at 12:40 am

    I love you, sweetie. That’s all I can think to say.

  • 2. Lynne  |  April 15, 2009 at 2:59 am

    “I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am a soul that lives within”. I love you, Kiddo!

  • 3. Debbie C  |  April 17, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    Erin, The hair thing is a tough hurdle, but what you have to remember is that losing your hair is NOT a sign of your cancer…. it is a sign of the TREATMENT of your cancer and a milestone on your journey to WELLNESS. I can’t imagine the emotional journey, but I hope it helps to know that we are all thinking good thoughts for you.

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